RN's Stories During COVID-19

“We’re not heros. We’re doing what we’ve been called to do” RN’s Stories during COVID-19

by Brea Persing

Originally published at https://www.breapersing.com/.

“This isn’t just a career. This isn’t just [our] job. This is what [we’re] passionate about. This is what we’re called to do. It’s time to step up and take care of people.” Terry Brady proclaimed, an RN at Memorial Hospital in South Bend, IN.

As I was thinking through the pandemic that was hitting our nation, our entire world, I began to ponder what it would look like to share people’s stories and experiences from it—starting with those working the front lines. Among my other interviewees was Caroljane Hochstetler, RN at Goshen Health in Goshen, IN and Donna Martin, RN at Elkhart Clinic in Elkhart, IN. All three nurses bring a different perspective, work in different units and areas of the hospital and have been affected in different ways. But all three said the same thing—they’re not the heroes, this is what they’ve trained for and what they’ve been called to do.

Prior to the COVID-19 pandemic, Caroljane worked in the PACU surgical unit at Goshen Health where she helped in postoperative recovery. However, with only emergency surgeries being performed and her extensive background working in the Intensive Care Unit (ICU) in former years, Caroljane was redeployed to work in the COVID-19 ICU. Most people would be afraid of going into the line of fire, being in direct contact with those that could expose them to a potentially deadly virus, and Caroljane said it was a very sobering and scary at first. But also said she felt very prepared for this, as though she had been training for this her entire life and that she was right where she was meant to be.

As Caroljane goes into work each day, she walks into many unknowns. Her routine, like many others, has been tossed to the wind. “Everything I thought was hard and true and solid in my life isn’t. It’s made things very real…things I thought were very important, turns out, aren’t as much.” From week to week she doesn’t know when she will be working and when she goes into work, she does’t know what she’ll be doing. “It’s unsettling and it’s a little scary.” She stated. It’s brought a range of changing emotions for her and her colleagues on a daily basis. And though most of Caroljane’s patients in the COVID-19 ICU are unconscious and on life support, one thing she does every shift is take the patients’ hands, talks to them and prays for them. And from that comes comfort and hope for Caroljane, knowing God is in control.

“I feel so sorry for these patients.” She explained as we talked through what it’s like to walk into the COVID-19 ICU. “I have a hard time recognizing my colleagues with all the [protective] gear we wear. It’s hard. You can only see their eyes and I think about what these patients are going through and that’s all they see us in. All they see are our eyes. They can’t see us smile.” She continued, “It’s hard to wear all that gear. I still have marks on my face the next morning because those masks have to fit real tight in order to protect you. And we don’t take them off in order to spare the usage of them. But we do have the proper masks and I am grateful for that.”

Donna works in the Informatics Department at Elkhart Clinic, the amazing group of people that aggregate video and phone calls, also known as Telehealth, between patients and doctors so patients can keep their appointments without risking potential exposure coming to the hospital. As she describes being more behind the scenes, having transitioned out of direct patient care years ago, Donna has experienced the scariness of potential exposure having already been quarantined twice. “You just don’t think about it. You don’t normally have to think about how much you interacted with a particular person in a day or how close you were standing to them, until you get that call that [the person or physician you were with earlier] were showing symptoms and you had to quarantine yourself.” Though Donna didn’t have to quarantine herself for two weeks each time, she still packed a suitcase with the essentials and moved into the basement where her husband would put food on the steps and then yell to her that it was there. “Because I didn’t feel ill, I was a little bit frustrated by the inconvenience…but my concern wasn’t so much for myself, because I felt fine, but what if I had exposed someone else to something.” Donna tested negative for COVID-19, along with the other physicians she had come into contact with that had started to show symptoms. She shared that the whole experience has given her a new perspective on life and the things we so often take for granted. “You just realize how much you take for granted, even our basics for grated, that in some places aren’t even the basics. You can call up and you can do, and it kind of reminds me of being on a mission trip where all of our niceties and the things that we have all the time are just, they’re not there. And it’s kind of like, ‘Wow, this feels really weird that I can’t just go and do what I want to do when I want to do it.’”

Terry works on a surgical floor at Memorial Hospital. And though he is outside most of the COVID-19 action, there’s still the risk of exposure if a trauma patient comes in needing emergency surgery and is carrying the virus. Just like many areas of the hospitals outside of the trauma and COVID-19 units, it’s slow, and many doctors and nurses have switched to being on call while others have been able to take some time off. But being an active person and loving his job, it wasn’t long before Terry was itching to get back to work, even though he said a small break from the normal chaos was nice in some ways. His return to work looked different though. Instead of the routine surgeries that would normally be performed, along with emergency surgeries, he started training some of his staff for possible redeployment to other units in case there was a big surge in COVID-19 cases. Memorial Hospital is a level two trauma unit, and the only one within 90 miles, which means they must always be ready and prepared for traumas, catastrophic events and worst case scenarios. “It’s what we’re trained for, and having all of this happen allows us to put more of our training into practice and see what processes are outdated, what policies we need to change and how to better our performance.” Though it’s a hard situation, he said he was grateful for the opportunity to learn more and work smarter.

Being a male nurse has other stipulations with this pandemic too. Before going back to work, where Terry normally wouldn’t have to wear a N95 mask, he, like many other male medical personnel, had to shave off their facial hair so the N95 mask would seal properly. This is similar to airline pilots, except with oxygen masks to keep them breathing in the event of reduced cabin pressure, rather than keeping a virus from entering their bodies. But it’s the same concept—the mask won’t seal properly with facial hair. Though it’s not a big loss, I’m sure there are male medical personnel all around the nation that are grieving the loss of their facial hair and the people in their lives looking at them in utter shock and confusion because of how different they look.

In asking how they’ve seen a change in patients’ demeanor since this pandemic started, Caroljane and Terry have seen different things. Caroljane said she has seen a lot of fear. Whereas Terry said it’s been about the same as before.

Caroljane went on to explain that people were overwhelmed with fear and anxiety, especially in cases where the person has come from the ER to the COVID-19 ICU after testing positive. For all involved, there are so many unknowns. Are they going live through this? Did they expose other people? Who is going to take care of their family? “The biggest fear I see is in patient’s families. And that just breaks my heart. They’re not allowed to come in and see them. It’s the hardest thing. I can’t imagine having a loved one on life support and you’re not able to be there. Nurses have iPads and we can come into the room, [call the family] and they can talk to them.” Caroljane said. “But [it’s] just not the same as having someone physically there.” Families are seeing their loved ones suffer, and in some occasions die and they’re not able to be with them, grieve and receive closure like they normally would.

Terry said there hadn’t been much change with his patients, with the exception that everyone was wearing masks and that as the patients were able to come out of their rooms after surgery, they were required to wear masks too. “Only about 30-40% even bring [the coronavirus] up.” Terry explained. “They’re still vulnerable. I mean, most of these people coming in are sick. They’re not getting admitted for a sneeze or a cough or a common cold. They’re getting admitted because they have these bad infections, wounds, all kinds of different problems they know they need to get healed from. So a lot of times they’re not concerned with what is going on around them.” But when it comes to the family, Terry and Caroljane agreed. Terry said one of the hard things is explaining to family members why they can’t come and see their loved ones and having to enforce it since there is no one else to do so. “Instead of going into the room and asking the patient, ‘Hey, who’s coming today? Who’s gonna visit you?’, he’s asking them, ‘Have you talked to anyone today? Have you called a loved one? Have you called a friend?’” Because relationships and having someone with you matters and helps the healing process—it can help keep you in the fight when you feel like you can’t endure anymore.

Caroljane assured me it wasn’t just fear she was seeing. She said, “I see hope though. We’ve had [patients] that tested positive, got off the ventilator and were discharged to home.” And Terry communicated that the feedback he’s been receiving from colleagues working directly with COVID-19 patients that reassures him is that even though the medical staff were concerned and kind of fearful in the beginning, they’ve been very grateful and excited seeing the progression of people from when they were at their sickest and seeing how they’re coming out of it. “So from my perspective,” Terry stated, “even though the disease is pretty bad and we are on the front lines and we could contract this disease at any time, I think what we’re doing in our healthcare facilities is actually working to help get people better, to help get people out of the hospital so we can help in other areas where people need to heal and have more beds open for people to come in.”

We know that this virus and pandemic are taking a toll on so many, especially patients and their families. But it’s taking a toll on the medical professionals and other front line workers across the globe too. Though doctors and nurses have remained calm, and many of them unafraid, the lower you go down the chain of command in the hospital, the more fear and apprehension you see. Terry explained that medical aids, for instance, may be more reluctant to help those patients who are coughing or have a fever because they don’t understand the medical side of the virus like nurses and doctors. Just as with the general public, they don’t understand the virus and what is being done inside hospital walls, so it brings about more fear and uncertainty. Donna and Caroljane mentioned being very concerned for the house keeping. “They’re my heroes!” Caroljane said. “I love these women. I go blueberry picking with them. They speak a very broken English, but yeah, I’ve helped them adjust their protective gear to make sure that they’re covered and taught them to tie their mask correct and tight. Because they are the ones who go in and wipe down these rooms.”

And not just a physical toll from working long hours, but a mental toll. Many medical staff are afraid to go home if they have families, feel contaminated after a long shift, won’t go to the store or through a drive thru because they don’t want to potentially expose someone and because some treat them like lepers and don’t want to be around them and lastly, preparing their family and friends for worst case scenarios if they do get the virus themselves. Caroljane emphasized that you may wake up one morning with a sore throat and instead of thinking it’s nothing like before, you’re like, “Oh my gosh, do I have a fever? Do I have the virus? Have I exposed others?” Or as Donna stated, “I have a hot flash and I’m like, ‘Ut oh, do I have a fever?’” When you’re in a state of trauma, or flight or fight for so long, it can do damage if you don’t deal with it in a healthy way. Some of these doctors and nurses are in a daily war zone. This can create a high potential for things like PTSD, depression, anxiety, and other things. I think many medical personnel will need some really good therapists after all this is over, especially those working directly in the COVID-19 units. “Yes, I think it’s really true.” Donna stated. “When you are a nurse, your goal is to preserve life and quality of life. And I can remember the first time I was with patients that didn’t survive and how that affects you. And it’s not anything anyone wants to go through. And to have this so rampant, it’s just so…different.” Caroljane added to Donna’s statement with, “Because of my years in ICU, I was in close proximity in the last days of [a person’s] life and going through that, and it will always, always affect you. You never ever get used to that. But this situation is just so different, [death is] coming so close together, and so many without a break. And you’re the go between with the family and these patients, and that gets to be really rough. Each one stays with you.”

The virus has changed routines, it has upended people’s lives, livelihoods and for some, also brought a higher appreciation for relationships and other things they would normally take for granted. Those are things I heard over and over from Donna, Caroljane and Terry. And they all said that they have appreciated the free coffee, the free car washes, the encouraging messages and the free food, but that they’re not the heroes, they’re just doing what they’ve been called to do and risen to the occasion. “I feel we’re all on the front lines here. I saw something on Facebook and it spoke to me, ‘The Community is the front line. We’re your last line of defense.’ And we are, we are your last line of defense, but the front line IS the community.” Caroljane continued. “The kindness of people goes a long way. Let me tell you, I’m going to be different in speaking up more and thanking people for what they’re doing. Just a simple thank you or a cup of coffee gives you a warm feeling. You feel appreciated and someone is recognizing you’re putting effort in this. And that will get you by and give strength to the weary soul.”

We have all had to deal with and grieve the changes of our “normal”. We have all been affected. We have all been changed by this—for the good or bad. But how are you going to look at and appreciate things differently from it? For me, I have come to appreciate even more the work of those on the front lines, those working through pain, exhaustion and fear in order to bring hope, care and supplies to those affected by COVID-19.