December Poet Ralph Heibutzki (Chairman Ralph)
Financially Dissatisfied, Philosophically Trying
I'm stuck at the doctor's office, waiting
on my wife. The conversation goes something
like this, from one fifty-something to another:
“I went by the dollar store, but they're closed
Wednesday & Thursday. 'Not enough workers,'
they tell me. 'Just one cashier & one stocker.'”
Her friend arches an eyebrow. “Well, why
would you work, when the government
just pays you to stay home?”
I tune out the rest of the resulting verbal
white noise: “Those who need it,” blah-blah-blah,
“A job is a job,” blah-blah-blah, “Those who can,”
Blah-blah-blah, “Pull yourself up,” blah-blah-blah,
“The truly needy,” blah-blah-blah, & so on, & so
forth. Wash, rinse, repeat. I never say a word,
As I watch them exit, clucking their tongues
without letup. My pay stubs tell a different story,
but you can't argue w/a mind that's already made up.
My wife and I check out, but I can't stop
one last request rattling around my head.
Word to the powers that be:
You miss your slaves. I get that.
Word to the naughty masses w/too much
time & money on their hands: you miss your stuff,
& someone to leave it at your doorstep.
I get that, too, & then some. Just remember,
though, this hamster wheel's out of order,
& these bones aren't always for hire.
Word to the unwise: You may have exiled me
to the cheap seats, the margins of the bleachers,
But guess what? I have eyes to see,
& ears to hear, & you know what?
I take damn good notes.
Back In The Day
Recently, an old college cohort
took the time & trouble to tell me:
“Man, you made a lousy drunk.
Cantankerous. Difficult. Disruptive.”
I double-checked my memories:
Never threw up on the floor,
Though I did make the odd porcelain god's
ivory acquaintance, once or twice.
I only needed help
Crawling into a cab once: all part & parcel
of the fun we had (back in the day).
I flashed back to my favorite
East Lansing den of iniquity:
Not some whitewashed, smash-mouthed
Sports dive, where you spent happy hour
playing frat boy's question time.
No, I'm talking about The Ibex Sings,
As balls out a blind pig as I've ever seen,
tucked above a so-called art gallery
on somebody's second floor, where punk rock.
free jazz, & truly ear-clenching white noise
coexisted comfortably w/the staggering figures
We cut (back in the day).
Crammed elbow to elbow, shoulder to shoulder,
Getting somebody else to take the responsibility,
while we resigned ourselves
to growing old disgracefully (back in the day).
The promoters never bothered about consequences
Like lack of liability insurance,
& needless to say, I smelled
Nothing secondhand about the smoke
Blowing through this place (nor did it
all stem from tobacco)...
All part & parcel of the fun
we had (back in the day).
Of course, we all knew
It couldn't last. The cops
got into rhythm as they usually do,
& under threats of 1,000-buck-plus
tickets & fines of all kinds,
The Ibex Sings shut down w/out a fight,
& slid down the memory hole
of local East Lansing lore.
Once they're gone, those experiences
can't ever be begged, stolen or bought back.
Nowadays, the corporate coffee shop & corner bar
Buffs & polishes our current cookie cutter culture
To a fine art. & if you wink at the NO SMOKING signs,
You'll end up 86'd w/out a second thought.
Well, to cut a long story short,
I've since told my friend: “Lousy drunk? Check.
Cantankerous, difficult, whatever else you said?
Double-check. But I'm not ready to forget
The figures we cut, & the nights
we burned up (back in the day).”
Which is enough to convince me,
These days, all the best drinking
Happens at home...and hopefully,
w/someone that you actually know.
Choice Is A Four-Letter Word
One from Column A, one from Column B,
The way of the world, as it's meant to be...
Chocolate or vanilla, whiskey or vodka?
Eggs over easy, or sunny side up?
Half-lit hair of the dog, or fully hung over?
Choice is a four-letter word (the whole world over).
No mystery there, my sisters & brothers.
Start with the rainy-day dilemmas
that blindside your average teenager:
Skip class now, or sweat out another sixth hour?
Yawn your way through another pep assembly,
another game, or head home, & hit the showers?
Ask him or her out now, or screw up
The courage (maybe later)? Or wait for
That first car at 16, that first letter sweater?
Choice is a four-letter word (the whole world over).
What happens when adulthood sneaks up,
& life's little dilemmas stack up faster,
& the stakes get tighter? Buy now, or pay later?
Pay off the doctor, or the next pressing creditor?
Move away for a few dollars more per hour,
& a steady climb up the ladder? Or stay home
w/the devil you know, & hope they don't
Shut it all down, two or three years,
50-, 60-plus-odd hours a week later?
Emotions run high on the dotted line,
So don't you fall prey to that fine print fever:
Choice is a four-letter word all over.
From the cradle to the grave, does it ever
Get better, staring down the evil of two lessers?
Cop or robber, cowboy or Indian,
Red light, green light (red state, blue state)?
That's how our ugly beauty pageant ends,
w/the “same old, same old,” served up
W/all the grace of a multi-car pileup?
Always dished out with a wink & a nod,
A coke & a smile, as if that's all you ever need,
One from Column A, one from Column B,
The way of the world, as it's meant to be:
Hey, I think I need a cup of hot coffee,
Or maybe a cold shower. Too many days
Spent running in place, or running for cover,
& I'm not getting any better, not feeling any younger.
Choice is a four-word letter word...the whole world over.
The Ghosts Of DEVO Howl For Justice
Over Your Friendly Neighborhood Checkout Counter
OK, so you really wanna know,
You still need a rundown,
what this crazy little called lockdown
Looks & feels & smells like?
Start at the supermarket self-serve oasis
That they've just installed, waiting for the day
Their part-time army of baggers & cashiers
outlives its usefulness.
& I'm stranded in line,
Marooned behind a guy who's bought the full nine,
As in: full plastic face shield, rubber gloves,
knee-high boots, & shiny yellow HAZ-MAT suit.
For a split second, I allow myself
The luxury of dreaming out loud:
The boys from Akron are back out on tour,
telling us to “whip it good” like never before.
It's game on, as the clock strikes 13,
Only a couple weeks into the whirlpool
Called COVID-19. I mean,
growing up in the '70s,
We had plenty of menace
Dangling in the air, too, everything
From killer clowns & killer bees,
to the greenhouse effect (as they called it then),
Muggers in the streets & the national debt,
Legionnaire's Disease & swine flu, too.
Fast forward to adulthood, & the panic button's
staying pushed. The air that we breathe
Doesn't feel the same anymore,
& if we really looked out for each other,
Would we really need to dream up
a trillion dollar coin to restore social order?
Sorry, Mr. Logan, you can only outrun so much.
We did our damnedest to give the past a slip,
But it's back to bite us again. What comes around,
goes around, twice as hard this time
Cue the million dollar question, some truly
sick 'n' twisted spud boy proposition spun out sideways:
“Are we not men?” Or just unwilling walk-ons
in some mad scientist's far-fetched master plan?
What's this thing called DE-evo-LU-tion,
& what did anybody ever learn?
Before I can answer,
my HAZ-MAT suited fellow traveler
Checks out, & leaves me in the dust.
I shrug my shoulders, & promise to answer
That question some other time.
The tired part of me knows better, & yawns:
“Never mind.”
Chairman Ralph: A Potted History
In real life, Ralph Heibutzki (Chairman Ralph) is always on the go as a published author, freelancer for local, regional and national magazines, newspapers and websites. Ralph is the author of Unfinished Business: The Life & Times Of Danny Gatton (Backbeat Books: 2003), the first major biography of Washington, D.C.'s late instrumental guitar underdog, known to fans as “The Humbler,” and “The Telemaster.”
Ralph is also a co-author, with Mark Andersen, of We Are The Clash: Reagan, Thatcher & The Last Stand Of A Band That Mattered (Akashic Books, 2018), a highly acclaimed, in-depth look at the punk pioneers' struggle to stay together, without two original members, in a world that seems bent on falling apart. His articles have appeared in numerous magazines and websites, including the AllMusic Guide, Bass Player, DISCoveries, Goldmine, Guitar Player, and Vintage Guitar.
On the musical side, “The Punk Rock Troubadour” has played more than 150 shows since 2005, mainly as a solo singer-guitarist, and first appeared on vinyl with Recutting The Crap, Volume Two (Crooked Beat Records, 2018), to which he contributed a version of “Beyond The Pale,” Big Audio Dynamite's plea for greater tolerance to immigrants.
As a spoken word writer-performer, Ralph's work has been featured in various places, from the likes of The Chiron Review, to the Literary Lit Collective Year In Review 'Zine, the Ramen Noodle Nation blog, and anthologies like Clash By Night (CityLit Project: 2005), a poetic response, song for song, to the Only Band That Matters's seminal London Calling album.
His influences range from outsider ranters like Attila The Stockbroker and John Cooper Clarke, to the '50s Beats, the '76-'77 punk explosion, post-punk performers like Andy T., among others. He's taken that approach onstage at the Artpost Gallery (South Bend, IN), the Acorn Theater (Three Oaks, MI), and the Livery (Benton Harbor, MI), as part of its monthly “Xpression Session,” where he was also a featured artist (2008-13).
Last, but not certainly least, Ralph edits and publishes a 'zine, Desperate Times, which has just published issue #2, “Anyhow, Anyclub, Anywhere: The Rise & Fall Of Safari Sam's,” a 93-page oral history of Orange County, CA'sunderdog nightspot – that hosted the American debuts of Jane's Addiction, The Jesus & Mary Chain, and many, many more, in two turbulent years (1984-86).
For ordering details, email: chairmanralph@yahoo.com , or message via Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/ralph.heibutzki).
For further information, visit Ralph's website, www.chairmanralph.com, follow his Kindle and books at https://www.amazon.com/Ralph-Heibutzki/e/B001KIQ302%3Fref=dbs_a_mng_rwt_scns_share, or check out his video clips at: https://www.youtube.com/user/ChairmanRalph.